My Weakened State Explained

Dammmmm, that sucks...for me.

Why is it that for seemingly no reason, I will break down in tears and sob (complete with hyperventilating and uncontrollable crying). When I see a certain type of truck pass by, or let my depressed and anxious brain run and run with uncontrollable thoughts; thoughts that when examined, do not make sense, then I cry again. Welcome to the depressed brain, my brain.

"When your biology changes, so can your decision-making and your desires. The drives you take for granted (“I’m a heterosexual/homosexual,” “I’m attracted to children/adults,” “I’m aggressive/not aggressive,” and so on) depend on the intricate details of your neural machinery. Although acting on such drives is popularly thought to be a free choice, the most cursory examination of the evidence demonstrates the limits of that assumption (link)."

Why is it that I want to cut my luxurious, long, black silky, waist length hair all of a sudden? Why is it that I want to leave town all of a sudden (when I have always proclaimed love for Sac-Town). Seemingly, I have no choice in the matter.

I have had episodes of depression several times since my Ju-Co years playing tennis. At that time I really didn't know what it was and foolishly, I thought I could walk it off and tuff it out. That is not the case. I'm not bummed out, like I lost my wallet (that would imply control. I certainly have no control right now). I'm clinically depressed. I have low serotonin levels and the only thing that can make that right is, Prozac, or The Zac as I call it.

Where are ya baby, I need ya so badly.

There is no denying that changes in brain chemistry, no matter how large or small, will change your behavior. It is like the mind and the brain. Without the brain, there is no mind. Why is it that seemingly small things, right now to me, are so huge and I can't let go of them? Why is it that things that are none of my business dominate my mind, err brain. This is not Kriss. I'm casual and carefree (at least from what I remember), but now I'm constantly frustrated and even...angry. Thanks brain chemistry.

"As recently as a century ago, a common approach was to get psychiatric patients to “toughen up,” through deprivation, pleading, or torture. Not surprisingly, this approach was medically fruitless. After all, while psychiatric disorders tend to be the product of more-subtle forms of brain pathology, they, too, are based in the biological details of the brain (link)."

Along with those thingies, suggested to me over and over, is exercise. "Kriss, are you exercising?" Ugh, have you even seen me. I need to exercise more. Please. That example as well as those above are trying to place the blame on environment and not biology. I've always been a walk it off kind of person, and if anyone could walk this off, it would be me. I can't be any tuffer than a 42 year old martial artist bad frackin' ass (really is there anyone tuffer than that. sheez). 

"No amount of threatening will chase away depression, but a little pill called fluoxetine often does the trick (link)."

And that is what I'm after. I'm going thru the process to get me some County medical aid, specifically flouxetine, otherwise known as Prozac. 

"The more we discover about the circuitry of the brain, the more we tip away from accusations of indulgence, lack of motivation, and poor discipline—and toward the details of biology. The shift from blame to science reflects our modern understanding that our perceptions and behaviors are steered by deeply embedded neural programs (link)."

I'm a proud skeptic and I'm open to the evidence. If it were as easy as doing certain things in my environment, dontcha think that I would have done it already (the answer is yes, a definite yes). When I first went on The Zac years ago, I really debated it. I certainly didn't want to make it worse and fo sho...I was scared of the unknown. As it turned out, The Zac is more awesome than opossums. I was afraid that it would make me a zombie or change who I was. I was wrong. The only thing it changed was...my brain chemistry, for the better.

My every waking moment is filled with fear and excessive worry. What the f*ck is that! That is not Kriss. I'm on the verge of cutting my hair and leaving town (for what I do not know, that is just where my mind, in it's weakened state, leads me). The only thing I have going for me right now is hope and my rational (what is left of it). I'm still a skeptic and an atheist, but fo sho, I'm not Kriss right now. I'm holding out and waiting for the call from county. Until then, I hope that I do not make any harsh lifestyle changes, changes that I may regret later when I get better. What I have is my understanding of biology and brain chemistry and I'm clinging to it. I'm clinging to it so hard.

Wish me luck.