The Fear

I don't fear much, not even death, but I do fear becoming my dad. I'm convinced that Father Asshole Dick Face Abusive Fucker had depression and anxiety (no wonder I have that also) but he didn't get help. The anger that he showed me, my brother and sister was...I can't even describe it. In martial arts there is this legendary, mythical thing called Lion's Roar, or Dragon's Roar. Basically you yell something, anything so loud at a person that something will happen to them (1). My dad was very powerful and hateful. His anger fueled his roar and I fear I have the same qualities.

"Activity in the brain's "hate circuit" is out of sync across the circuit's three regions, leading to self-loathing and other failures to deal appropriately with feeling of hate, research suggests (Sci Am)."

They iMRI'd 37 depressed and 39 not depressed brains to see the parts of the brain that 'lite up' , or not, during certain tasks. What they found was that the connectivity of the three regions associated with the "hate circuit" was not all connectivity-y.

This "hate circuit" (superior frontal gyrus, insula, putamen) in my brain and other depressed brains, basically, is outta wack. New research shows that of the three regions of the brain associated with that "hate" that I fear, in the depressed brain they are not in synch, which researchers are calling an "uncoupling."

"These differing activity levels, which the researchers referred to as an "uncoupling" of the circuit, may explain why depressed people experience self-loathing, they said. Depressed people may not be able to deal appropriately with feelings of hate, and as a consequence, develop selfhatred and withdraw from social situations, the researchers said (Sci Am)."

I'll have some brain, sunny side up please.

Of course when any new research is done, there is criticism. The brain is vast and at this time, not totally understood. Parts of the brain overlap and overlap. So while there is deff. a "hate circuit" (identified in 2008), it is also contains (overlap) parts of the brain associated with, love-n-not hate stuffs. It is exactly like the God region of the brain that Team Atheist wants so badly to find. Basically, there is too much overlap for any one function to be associated with one region of the brain. Still, I think the research is exciting.

My dad's anger (and depression. frackin' gloomy today) was tremendous and so is mine. Dangerous and uncontrollable are two words that come to my mind when thinking about his anger. Another one is irrational. One thing that I have learned about depression is that it doesn't makes sense and if you try and make sense outta it, then you are going down the wrong road. That doesn't mean that we should not try and understand it in the material form with science-n-all that stuffs. In fact, understanding would, at least for me, ease the mind.


(1) I fear that I can do this and what it is, in reality, is that you yell so loud that you can shake that person up. Part of the myth-y part is that you can kill someone with it. I guess. Fo sho I can yell so loud that a person would back up, would have fear in their eyes and an increased heart rate. Those things could lead to a heart attack, so I guess, yes, Lion's Roar can kill someone. I've been so not feeling good the past couple of days I fear that I will explode and roar uncontrollably...the way my dad did to me. I've seen my dad fight grown men, and win. I've seen my dad take on a group of teenagers, all at the same time, and win. I have never seen anger like that anywhere else, and I'm convinced that because of genetics, I have that also. That is my fear.

WBC and R.I.P. Steve Jobs

OK, as I have said before, this is not an educational super awesome atheist blog, just a super awesome atheist blog. I figure that if your intent was to, you know, learn, then there certainly must be better places than this (and that is just me being the most humble guy around sayin' that). If ya need an explanation for something I said, 1) your probably not gonna get it and 2) you need to learn the terms of the debate, you need to learn what has been said since the emergence of The Mighty New Atheist, bla bla bla...On this one, I'm presenting the facts...you figure out the rest.

Fuji apples are my favorite and white grrls.

The worlds most hated church, Westboro Baptist Church is a gonna, guess what, protest the funeral of Steve Jobs.

Shirley Phelps tweeted this on her iPhone yesterday. The hypocrisy. No explanation.

 * Article

* Thanks to Erin "Hellllllloooooo, I'm Kriss" Perry for the first photo.

The SAD season...Bring It On (and thank you)

 The first signs of winter has made an appearance in my beloved Sac Town. We have it so good here in Nor Cal, it hardly ever rains, it doesn't get too cold...but still, winter comes. It was last winter, specifically the end, where I notice and acknowledged the return of my depression. If I had been a little more alert, perhaps, and I'm trying to NOT be hard on myself...perhaps I could have recognized S.A.D. and perhaps, gotten help earlier. What can ya do.

 Seasonal Affective Disorder is an episode of depression that comes because of lack of sunlight. The long winter days, filled with not enuff sunlight, changes the brain chemistry. I think it's something like, sunlight helps your body produce that vitamin, and then when you don't produce that particular vitamin, then your (mine) brain chemistry changes. SAD, I guess, is a precursor to straight up depression, that is why it has it's own name. I've been on meds (this time around) for, like four months and it's going good-could be better tho. Fo sho I will be more in-tune to the amount of sunlight and my moods this winter (I'm not going thru that shit again...I won't be able to do it) and fo sho will continue to not voluntarily change my brain chemistry (I miss ya drugs, but what can a guy do).

 I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff looking out into the sea and the horizon. There is a dark and powerful storm coming. I can't see it, but I can feel it-in my heart. Fellow atheist bloggers with depression...I've been reading all your posts (you know who you are) and I appreciate the kinds words and the courage you all have to "let it all hang out", no shame, only feelings, no matter how irrational. I feel like y'all understand me and visa versa. One of you (the one with the invites) chronicled her (or was it him) depression so eloquently and specific that I cried. It takes one to know one and unfortunately, I know.

Kind gentle and very good looking readers and fellow atheist bloggers with depression, don't get me wrong, I'm not totally bummed out (and fo sho I don't feel 100% either), I'm just sayin' that winter is here and that is when it all started for me last year. The storm is coming, but I'm watching out for it this time. It encourages me that you do this (as you know, sometimes it's so lonely and you know no one understands) and as I read your posts, the posts that look just like mine-feelings, emotions and all-then I don't feel alone anymore.

Believe it or not, I'm not that good at sharing, err, sharing in my environment. This blog has been my outlet to say the things that I'm not willing to say in my environment (I dunno why I do that). When I have an episode I clam up. Some people are talkers and sharers, and I'm not one of them. I think it's the residue from my macho Filipino Catholic upbringing, any who...I never ask for help, and in fact I never ask for anything. But this time, this SAD season, because all of you have been so kind and generous to me the entire shitty summer...I might lean on you. I might send you a tweet or an email. I might share and open up.

It's sunny right now in super awesome Sac Town. Really, darkness is the last thing that this atheist wants to see and experience. Like I said earlier, I'm not totally bummed out. I'm ready for the fight (I hope that it doesn't come, but if it does, bring it on) but I anticipate that my opponent, my brain chemistry, will be worthy. What am I trying to say...you guys have been tremendous all summer and winter is coming....wish me luck and don't be surprised if you get an email or a call.

Thanks homies.

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I didn't mention any names of blogs. Really personal stuff. If you are in the same boat and would like to discover atheist bloggers with depression that write about it, tweet me or something and I turn you in the right direction. You not alone.

Update, the next day. Fuck everything. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on and if I can get the satisfaction of punching you in the face, over and over again, with my rock hard fist that has been conditioned to punch faces and be rock hard...then who cares about jail. Fuck you.

Is "Restudied" Even A Word

I was gonna take that unannounced break that I always take (when it happens), but I can't pass this one up (I'll make it short and sweet just like me, seemingly 4 of 7 days). The failed, and I mean all capitals failed (F.A.I.L.E.D.) prophet, or as the cool kids say profit, Harold Camping now says that the end is deff coming at the end of October.

The super old and straight up dumb Camping "restudied" his calculations and said that this end of times will be nice and quiet, and fo sho it WILL be happening this time. Fer real. In fact he wants everyone to know, ya know, because you have kids and loved ones and all, that "...there will probably be no pain by anyone because of their rebellion against God," which is a relief to an out atheist like me. He continues...


 "This is very comforting to all of us because we all have children, we all have loved ones that are dear to us that we know are not saved and yet we know that they'll quietly die."


OoooKkkkaaayyy. Crazy much. "REstudied", is that a word. I'm not even gonna look that up. Let's recall that he got the original doomsday prediction by using "the word of God", or as Team Atheist always says, "cherry picked particular passages from the bible", and the skeptics favorite, numerology to come up with May 21st, 2011. "Restudied", really, that just doesn't look right to me.


Any who, if you prayed for his recovery, which is what God wants-because Camping told us that is what God wants, then the true believers will "quietly receive the new heaven and the new earth..." (in their butts, I couldn't resist). Once again God is the door man to the exclusive club and to get in there, because supposedly that is where all the cool kids are, you have to be devoted to the true God and the true Christianity (outta a million gazillion different ones that all say they are the true).


On his Facebook page (yes, he has Facebook) he is being called out by, guess who...true believers. they are saying that HE is the false profit. And I went a long way for this, but this is the point that I was gonna make short and sweet...If some believers can dismiss Camping as false, then why can't they turn the same critical eye on themselves. I'm sure that whatever reasoning they used to debunk Camping, they could use the same template for their own beliefs. 


...OK, I'll tell ya why. It's not that they can or cannot do that particular task. I'm confident that most believers do have the ability to turn the critical eye on their own beliefs. I just don't think that they are willing to do that. That is the difference, "can" ya do something, or are you "willing" to do something. 


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* I have a new motto. "One day at a time." I'm gonna beat this....really. Awesome


* Article

This Is What We Are Up Against

"..and if elected, I promise God will return to the public square." I said that, but I wouldn't be surprised.

"The intellectual authorities mentioned above – with the exception of Schaeffer who died in 1984 – all have media empires that spread their particular version of the gospel. Millions of dollars every year support the production of books, DVDs, radio shows, school curricula, and other educational materials. Very few evangelicals grow up without hearing some trusted authority – perhaps even with a PhD – tell them that the age of the Earth is an "open question". Or that scientists are questioning evolution. Or that gays are getting spiritual help and becoming straight. Or that secular historians are taking religion out of US history (Guardian UK.)"


Wow, super good article in The Guardian UK, even better than that Rolling Stone one. What stood out the most in this particular article is that the author, and the fellow Bachmann's of their generation, all got their training in the 70's. The "something something" has come home to roost, or whatever that saying is. Just look at this epic brainwashing, err, education that the author, Karl Giberson, received.


"By the time we were in college our generation of evangelicals had been educated into a profoundly different worldview than that of the secular, anti-Christian, Satan-following Ivy League elites we had been taught to fear. We understood the world to be a spiritual battleground with forces of good pitted against forces of evil. Real angels and real demons hovered about us as we prepared to wage these wars. We sang songs like Onward, Christian Soldiers in our churches. At summer camps and vacation Bible schools we stamped our feet, and waved our arms as we sang with good Christian gusto I'm in the Lord's Army. We knew which side we were on (Guardian UK)."


As I have mentioned time and time again...They have entire colleges, TV and radio stations. The amount of books that they sell dwarfs the Four Horsemen. They have the mission (dominionism) to inflitrat every sector of society and place God, goddam smack in the middle. They are taught that evolution is just a theory, as if it were some idea that was thunk while smoking weed. They are taught that God believes that America is "exceptional" (American exceptionalism). They are taught that they are better than others and the only reason is that they believe that God said that, God states that America is the "house on the hill." We have none of that.


What we have is the evolved human brain. A brain capable of reasoning. If there was an all powerful and all mighty God, then dude gave us this brain-a brain capable of debunking him. Super good article that mentions all the architects of modern evangelical Christianity: Francis Shafer, Henry morris, Ken "Ark Experience" Ham, James Dobson and David "I rewrite history to make you believe that Christianity is responsible for everything...everything" Barton. As the sayin' goes, "with friends like this..."


"The forces of good and evil, Satan spiritual battleground, Real angels and Real demons...the Lord's army," Lions, tigers and bears oh frackin' my. Team Atheist does not have a super huge propaganda, brainwashing, super structure to infect the minds of thousands (millions) like this. What we can do is small compared to their apparatus. Still, that makes me wanna fight even harder. Come join me, join the team...


Team Atheist Forever.


* Guardian UK

* Thanks to @BenCOGrimm for the h/t.

Ugh...OK....Err, Whatever

I Googled Holy Smoke and this came up. Sumthin 'bout it...

Remember that joke you used to say as a teenager, growing up in Northern California, partying and sowing oats under majestic and super huge and old redwood tree's, under the moonlight, the joke that goes like this..."Yea dude, when I die, I want you guys to smoke me (or snort me, whateveha)." Remember that joke, no, OK then. Well it doesn't matter, a company called Holy Smoke has out bro'd the bros.

For the measly price of $850, ya know that extra $850 that you have just sitting there waiting to be spent, you can honor your deceased homie or relative by cremating them and, get this, loading them into a bullet and then shooting them. Really, I can't make shit like this up. For that price you can get 250 shotgun shells, 100 rifle sounds or 250 pistol rounds. In case ya don't know, that is really expensive. Even the brand Federal (which is good hi quality ammo) is not even close to that expensive, but we're talking about love here, right. Love has no price.

(Not too sound prejudice or anything, but...) So how does this conversation go. You're sitting around your still, ya know, cause you are a redneck and you are making moonshine. You saved up $850 from your methamphetamine sales (and you cut back on your consumption, because this is so important) and now you have Jed (because they are all named Jed) packed into 250 12 gauge shotguns shells. And to honor your fallen friend you are now ready to shoot a chinaman like me (even tho I'm Filipino, but they don't know that) while you say, "Git off our property and stay away from our white women."

If that is not love, then I don't know what is. Personally, I'd smoke my friends in a bong.

* Article

* Home page Holy Smoke. Ya know your interested, check it out.

This was on there also.

The Battle That Is Not

Vacaville teacher, a 30 veteran of the teaching profession, Steve Cuckovich put his foot down when the kids were purposely...being kids. They were purposely sneezing and then saying "bless you", very loudly. Then the bratty, undisciplined kids would thank each of the kids that "blessed" him/her. Because Cuckivich was, ya know a teacher and trying to teach, he banned the words "bless you" so he could continue with the lesson. Then parents happened.

Parent Alan Johnson thinks that the bratty, undisciplined kids had their constitutional rights violated. He said, "Anytime you hit on those constitutional rights it's going to be bigger than it needs to be." Err, not really bro. Any ways...

The Christian Post chimed in and said "just the latest example of what many in California's evangelical community perceive as growing anti Christian, antireligion bigotry in the states public schools." Me, and you can quote me on this one, "WTF."

The story has grown (thanks interbutz) and taken a life of it's own. But let's review what really happened, ya know, in reality.

The class was getting outta control. (I believe) The kids were sayin' "bless you" and not "God bless you (it doesn't really matter)." The veteran teacher put his foot down. Kids in the class said that those kids were disruptive. An administrator said that the same undisciplined, rowdy kids did the same prank in middle school. A parent that wasn't there stuck his idiot nose into it (and he probably got his info from the super reliable source...a kid). Then it grows on the interbutz and all of a sudden rowdy, undisciplined kids are having there constitutional rights violated.

I'll say it again, and be sure to quote me on this one, "WTF."