The SAD season...Bring It On (and thank you)

 The first signs of winter has made an appearance in my beloved Sac Town. We have it so good here in Nor Cal, it hardly ever rains, it doesn't get too cold...but still, winter comes. It was last winter, specifically the end, where I notice and acknowledged the return of my depression. If I had been a little more alert, perhaps, and I'm trying to NOT be hard on myself...perhaps I could have recognized S.A.D. and perhaps, gotten help earlier. What can ya do.

 Seasonal Affective Disorder is an episode of depression that comes because of lack of sunlight. The long winter days, filled with not enuff sunlight, changes the brain chemistry. I think it's something like, sunlight helps your body produce that vitamin, and then when you don't produce that particular vitamin, then your (mine) brain chemistry changes. SAD, I guess, is a precursor to straight up depression, that is why it has it's own name. I've been on meds (this time around) for, like four months and it's going good-could be better tho. Fo sho I will be more in-tune to the amount of sunlight and my moods this winter (I'm not going thru that shit again...I won't be able to do it) and fo sho will continue to not voluntarily change my brain chemistry (I miss ya drugs, but what can a guy do).

 I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff looking out into the sea and the horizon. There is a dark and powerful storm coming. I can't see it, but I can feel it-in my heart. Fellow atheist bloggers with depression...I've been reading all your posts (you know who you are) and I appreciate the kinds words and the courage you all have to "let it all hang out", no shame, only feelings, no matter how irrational. I feel like y'all understand me and visa versa. One of you (the one with the invites) chronicled her (or was it him) depression so eloquently and specific that I cried. It takes one to know one and unfortunately, I know.

Kind gentle and very good looking readers and fellow atheist bloggers with depression, don't get me wrong, I'm not totally bummed out (and fo sho I don't feel 100% either), I'm just sayin' that winter is here and that is when it all started for me last year. The storm is coming, but I'm watching out for it this time. It encourages me that you do this (as you know, sometimes it's so lonely and you know no one understands) and as I read your posts, the posts that look just like mine-feelings, emotions and all-then I don't feel alone anymore.

Believe it or not, I'm not that good at sharing, err, sharing in my environment. This blog has been my outlet to say the things that I'm not willing to say in my environment (I dunno why I do that). When I have an episode I clam up. Some people are talkers and sharers, and I'm not one of them. I think it's the residue from my macho Filipino Catholic upbringing, any who...I never ask for help, and in fact I never ask for anything. But this time, this SAD season, because all of you have been so kind and generous to me the entire shitty summer...I might lean on you. I might send you a tweet or an email. I might share and open up.

It's sunny right now in super awesome Sac Town. Really, darkness is the last thing that this atheist wants to see and experience. Like I said earlier, I'm not totally bummed out. I'm ready for the fight (I hope that it doesn't come, but if it does, bring it on) but I anticipate that my opponent, my brain chemistry, will be worthy. What am I trying to say...you guys have been tremendous all summer and winter is coming....wish me luck and don't be surprised if you get an email or a call.

Thanks homies.

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I didn't mention any names of blogs. Really personal stuff. If you are in the same boat and would like to discover atheist bloggers with depression that write about it, tweet me or something and I turn you in the right direction. You not alone.

Update, the next day. Fuck everything. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on and if I can get the satisfaction of punching you in the face, over and over again, with my rock hard fist that has been conditioned to punch faces and be rock hard...then who cares about jail. Fuck you.