My Rather Weak Attempt At A Book Review

 OK, late start...had a good nite. A couple of thingies all you kind gentle and very good looking readers I can't stop thinking about TQotD from yesterday and the day before. Soooo.

What is super empty space, a total vacuum-no particles, no energy, no nutthin', called. Then is it even possible to have that, even theoretically...because if you take a chunk of space and go all vacuum on it, in that space there is still stuff, dust, air, ya know...stuff. So you make the chunk smaller by cutting it in half, then you cut that in half and then keep doing that...1) can you cut in half to infinity, or does it end at one time and 2) is there even such a thing as infinity (is the universe infinite?), because if you can keep cutting the space vacuum chunk in half forever, then you will never reach infinity and besides that there will always be space in it and in space there are particles and energy...right. OK, maybe I'm a little too stoned...Now I'm going to write an epic book review...so there.

How about this one. how many times can ya fold a piece of paper (12)?

Ok now, if you have never read one of my book reviews you are in for a shocking treat...they are never very review-y, ya know with facts like who wrote it, social impact, character analysis-n-stuff. So here we gozzzzz......

A very kind, retired, old white dude, a customer that I shoot the atheist shit with, just kept talking about this book that he has read three times in his life. I commented that in my 20's I read The Sun Also Rises three times (boy that Jake Barnes and posse sure did like to party), but he was all "No...no, Kriss. THIS book. Kriss! This book." And I was all like, "Dude, oookkkkaaaayyy, then (while in my head going WTF), I'll check it out (but I never had the intention to follow thru). Well, dude ended up giving me money to buy it, I ordered it at the book store, but when it came in I had already spent the money so it sat on the shelf, he kept asking me and asking me but I was like "Oh yea dude, I just haven't gone down there, yet." And then he ended up buying it for me (and of course I gave him his money back). So now I had to read this book.

It was sooooo awesome.

The Longships by Frans G. Bengtsson is the life story of our hero, no not Christopher Hitchens this time, but Red Orm. The Longships takes place during Viking times and there is a lot of viking-ing going on. As a normal child growing up I checked out any action movie, book or comic book from any genre, like Westerns (even tho if I was there back in those days, I'd be a slave on the railroad, or chillin' with the Native Bro's), Samurai, Shaolin, any warrior culture with cool swords and spears-n-stuff..except Viking culture. Now in 2011 I think it's totally baddass.

I guess it was the job to have back in the day. You got to use the best and newest technology in the form of a baddass ship that will take you to a different land, so you can rob them (including cattle and women), and probably kill them with the latest technology of swords, shields, spears and bows and arrows. There were more than a few times in the book when one of the characters said something to the extent of "let's go a Vikinging."

Dam Jake, you're weiner doesn't work. Dam!

What is "a Vikinging?" You get a sick ass posse together, or what I call in 2011 your #teambro. Of course you need some pretty manly men the kind that are worthy in battle, because of course, there is going to be a battle (and there were enuff battles in the book to satisfy me). But what I didn't know was that you needed a dude that could navigate the waters. If he had been to that particular land before then that is a deff. plus, because for sure "he knows the waters and the lay of the land." That is important because you are going there to rob, kill and pillage those peeps.

Also on the crew you need a poet. Yes, a poet. In those times the job of poet was actually...a job. If you are a great king, then of course in your palace you will have the court poet that you can command to recite verse at the drop of a hat, after all, the poet lives in your castle, drinks your beer (they call it ale) and does your ladies (behind your back of course), so the least you can do, if you are the court poet, is bust out some rhymes. Who woulda thunk that savage dudes like Vikings had the brain capacity to appreciate a poet, not me (and if the poet was skilled at killin' people, then that is a plus).

One time I was in a park with my g-friend of the time. These dudes needed a fourth to play some b-ball. I said hell yea, and to my g-friends amazement, we shouted commands at each other, like "screen", "give and go", "trailer" and "pick and roll". We never met each other but we knew how to play ball and it was fun.  It was very bro-y. A super awesome thing in the book is the bro-ness of the Vikings. Straight up one crew can take over another crew, kill their captain and then the remaining crew is given the choice "die here or row." To my amazement most in this book choose to row. After all, at least you were still alive. Then guess what happens...they bro out, drink beer (ale) together and then get swords and then kill and pillage other people, together.

OK this is too long. Lastly, Joe Average Viking Guy needed, da da daaaa, God on his side. The reason the nice retired dude gave me the book is that one of the main story lines in the book is that Christianity is spreading in the land and if you don't give up "the old Gods"...then we'll kill you. This is during a time when people were very superstitious. If a warrior had luck, then you wanted to be on his side. There is one part of the book when everyone is totally down because it was prophesied that "three will not return for this trip."So they got excited everytime one of their homies got killed, because it meant their chances, thru luck, increased. And if you had God on your side, then you can go into battle with confidence, ya know, cause you are going to kill hella people.

Ok, one more last last thing. There was a funny part where a young Christian priest went into Viking land to convert the heathens. He was really devout, trained in theology and very sincere in his mission. But...he was also good looking and the ladies couldn't help themselves and I dunno what they called it back then, but nowadays we call that "doing it." So young priest guy went backdoor man on some of the Viking guys ladies, he was traded to a witch lady (because he killed her powerful shaman guy) and then next time we see him...he's running his own crew of marauders and burning churches down. And killin' hella fools.

Here's the whole point of my rather weak attempt at a book review. Reading is awesome. Not in a million years would I have thought to pick up a book about Viking adventures and think that I would like it (and I was totally entertained, totally). There is a whole universe of stuffs to read out there. Recently I came across a place that reviews young adult vampire-y types of books and I'm thinking I should try that genre. Years ago I was in line at the supermarket and on a whim I picked up a romance novel by Alice Hoffman. Since then I have read, like, 5 or 6 of her books (it's always about an independent woman and she has the choice between the stable guy, but not a passionate relationship and the artsy more rugged, but unstable guy, that IS all about passion. good stuffs).

Being a proud card carrying member of Team Atheist and Team Skeptic, I deff. can get in the rut of only reading, what my friend calls, "important, but downer stuff (guilty as charged)." Let's make a deal peeps. If I promise to "lighten up" on that serious downer reading, will y'all do the same. It's that there is a whole world out there to read and experience. Fo sho the battle for secular society is important-n-stuffs, but don't forget to take care of yourself and enjoy life. Fo sho I want to read the upcoming Richard Carrier epic two parter on the historicy of Jesus, or Dawkins and Hawkins newest books...but I promise y'all...I'm gonna sneak in a vampire novel or another Viking novel before winter ends.

Join me.

* A real book review of The Longships.