Well Played, Young Man

Go Giants

Aubrey "Freekin" Huff. Brother, you are my brother. Hats off to you. I'm proud of you. It is unprecedented and courageous of you. You told the truth. Kind gentle and very goodlooking readers YOU knooooowwwwww my struggles with depression/anxiety this past year (thanks for sticking with me my internet and reality peeps. thanks) and how damaging it can be to the depressed and those around the depressed. Professional sports is super sexist, kinda stupid and super macho. Never show weakness, never let them see you cry or be down. Just win baby, win.

The San Francisco Giants (yippie) put first baseman, Aubrey Huff, on the 15 day disabled list for, get this...."for an anxiety disorder." In this is a great article in SF Chron the author (I didn't see the name) went all full disclosure and shared that s/he also has struggled with anxiety and depression.

If I had a nickel for every time I cried and held my face in my hands, I'd be a...

" I have struggled with whether to say this publicly, and how to do it, but this gives me a good opening. Since 2009 I have been treated for depression, in therapy and medicinally, and continue to be treated. Many awful things happened to me and people around me in a very short time, and my mental health was affected. Anxiety and panic attacks were part of it ( SF Gate)."

Even in this advanced day and age depression and anxiety are seen as weakness or some shit like that. Especially in poor and minority communities it is seen as "there is something wrong with you for choosing this...get your head outta your butt...c'mon now, I get bummed out sometimes also." In fact, all across the board (most) people will say the "pull up your boot straps...mind over matter, you can control this" shit. It's wrong and it's abusive.

Kudos to Aubrey Huff (and the writer) for being honest-n-shit and I hope so much that he is getting the proper (scientific) medical attention. Y'all that have supported me this past year KNOW, but for the peeps that do not have depression and anxiety it's like this...

This is my firearm and it is still not in my posession. Dammmm, I miss you baby. 357 yo.

This year for the first time evah evah...I wanted to kill myself. In fact I had thoughts and fantasies about killin' someone else and I'm a fuckin' hippie. I got depressed and anxious, then that led to frustration because I could acknowledge that this isn't Kriss (but I couldn't change it) and after the frustration came the anger. I think I now know why my father was so fucked up. He had what I have (or visa versa), but he didn't get help so fuck him.

I've been to Kenpo seminars with Jeff (it was just OK).I don't need a gun fer shit.

You can't "walk off" depression and you being "bummed out" then cheering up is an insult to those that have a chemical imbalance (fuck you). I know you mean well but don't ask me if I'm exercising because compared to you...I'm a stud. Why would a person that has a good job, lots of friends, a good social life, a good past and a great future, and that is happy go lucky start closing up and showing anger all the time. That is what depression is.

For the not-depressed you may be sayin' to yourself..."well gee wiz, he's a professional baseball player and a millionaire" what does he have to be depressed about. If you think something like that, then...I can't explain it to you.

"Huff Man" I wish you luck and a speedy recovery. Go Giants.

Kriss

* If you think depression is a choice, then come over to Sacramento and I'll punch you in the face, idiot.

Two Blog Posts In One

I couldn't atheist blog yesterday, I had to work a stupid St. Patty's Fest thingy. You know what...drunk people are super annoying. Oh well you do what you halfta do to eat-n-shit (one day I will not be poor).

A while back I said I wuz a-gonna go over all the logical fallacies (but I really only posted, like, once on that), so here's another one. Today at the mighty Atheist Revolution @vjack talked about the fallacious and delicious...red herring.

I dunno if this is even a red herring. Whatevah.

First of all a logical fallacy is a mistake in reasoning. There are a million ways to do this, hence a million  different fallacies that Team Atheist must learn. Why. Because weeeeeee are on the side of reason/reasoning. I personally do not want to be a Team member that says stupid shit while other Team Atheist members roll their eyes. We are better than that, or at least...we should be.

Red Herring...Lil did this atheist know but the term red herring comes from super gross fox hunting. A stinky and red fish (the red herring) was used to obstruct the fox's sent from those blood thirsty hounds chasing said fox (who does this...I dunno). So the red herring argument is something stupid that takes the attention away from the real topic. It is a distraction of sorts. It is irrelevant. It is, in Kriss-speak...stupidhead.

Bad human, BAD.

Let's see if I can give a good example of this. In mystery novels you are trying to, guess, solve the mystery. But an innocent character is introduced, but you don't know that character is innocent and in fact, you think that character is the loser that committed the crime and unbeknownst to you-you are wrong. You were distracted and you were thrown off the sent by this red herring, when obviously...the butler did it.

Let's try another one. We are arguing about the existence of Gawd. It's going well until they say "Well since we don't agree I guess you don't care about humanity." (Is that a good one? I'll admit it if it's not.).

OK, I think I got a good one. Rick "Butt Juice" Santorum when he first first was starting to get attention had a talk at a college when a super awesome co-ed called him out on his stupid stance on gay marriage (he's anti-gay anything). She said something cool like, "Hey Butt Juice LGBT marriage is an independent event from hetero marriage and in no way do loving LGBT peeps getting married have any affect on hetero marriage." Here's his response.

(Not exactly, but he really did say this) " Well, if gay marriage is allowed then why not with two people, or three people. If gay marriage is allowed, then why not with animals. Where does it stop."

OK, I think that was a good one. His answer has nothing to do with the question or the conclusion (gay marriage). It was the definition of distraction.

What my atheist blogosphere mentor @vjack (even tho we have never met) was talking about today was...are we, Team Atheist and those who battle for secular society and equal rights for all (even them), distracted. Are we not focusing our collective energy on the correct thingy. Are we being red herring'd. Go are the article and decide fer yo'sef. In other news...

My depression can make LOL Cats sad. Fuck depression.

My personal battle for sanity and happiness is, well..it could be going better. I do, in my heart believe that the score I keep talking about is still in my favor, but...

I'm not so outta it that I can't notice my low energy or lack of feelings. The thousand yard stare is back and so is the monotone voice. It is sunny right now in Sac Town, but the previous couple of days have been the definition of gloomy. Sucks so bad because I WAS feeling so good. I'm obsessing on random things that should not mean anything to me, and for those who care (you know who you are), that is the beginning of frustration, which leads to the anger. I just got an adjustment on my meds, but perhaps it is too soon to make a diff.

I'm sharing this because so many of you reached out to me this last year with your own stories (thank you) and struggles. All my honesty here on the Six Pack blog is nothing compared to what you have shared with me. I'm a fighter and I'm gonna fight this. I do want so badly to get better. I want so badly to ditch unfeeling and trade it with happiness. What I do not want is to go thru what I went thru last year at this time until...well, it never ended (1). What I do not want is to be a physical fighter. I do not want to hurt anyone and I do not want to hurt myself. That is the score. I wish it were different, but that is what honesty is.

Wish me luck.

* Red herring is also something that the Vikings used to eat, and perhaps do now.

* The Sad Season...from last years archives.

* The Fallacy Files...Red Herring.

(1) Nevermind, I'll keep this one to myself.

Me Rambeling On And On About Change

OK-ie, it's ultimate question time kiddies. No not does Gawd exist-that will never be answered. It's "Are things getting better or worse." As y'all know that last million times I wrote about this I (probably) said "yes, things are getting worse (thanks depression)." Well months later it's yes, things are getting better."

The battle for secular society is like any long running combat situation in that there are ups and downs. I've been interpreting it as "it's been looking good" as of lates (thanks Prozac). In jolly old England there is a big row (whatevah that is) because the gov just said the correct in that no more soup-no-it's no more prayers at official gov businesses-n-stuff. Just like here in the states the response is the super lame "but it's tradition (1)". That is not a good excuse, much less reason, for violating this fundamental law.

I believe that their courts ruled to take prayer out, then of course, there was an uproar. Whatever their president is called said something and even that Queen we have heard so much about the past million decades  said something.

I'll say that because there is such an uproar...that's a win for Team Atheist. Good job, peeps.

Tom Krattenmaker did the awesome and wrote this really good article and I dunno if it was syndicated, but I read it at USA Today (2). "Millennials aren't amoral and adrift" was da entertaining for me. It's been a while since I was touched/inspired/moved/had any kinda feeling at all (as opposed to opinion, I always have that) in music, songs, any art or any of the million gazillion articles that I read everyday. Not today.

Are things getting better or worse. Well, obviously it depends on which side of that line drawn in the sand that you stand on and if you think that metaphorical glass is half empty or half full. Millennials are way less likely to go to church than people my age and older. the numbers have been going down for quite some time and perhaps it is at a tipping point because "they" are talking about it so much. I think The New Atheist have something to do with this. Good job, peeps.

Whenevah I ponder the question I can't help but think that things are relative and everything just stays the same. Remember that old sayin' I overused years ago "the shores of the river bank constantly change, and yet it is always remains the shore of the riverbank, which is the same." So  maybe all older generations say of the younger generation stuffs like "yes, they are not as pious as we were," or the classic "kids nowadays are stupid".

"Kriss", you yell at me, "Butt-eye know some cool kids..in fact, I'm one of them."

Yea, whatevah...Anyhoo...One of the cool things about these people, not kids, that were born on or after 2000, is that they are down with the altruism. It's not just about them, their families and their country. They have concern about the environment, the economy, education, others, and dig this older people, they care about equality. They care about the world. Opposing LGBT marriage is so grandpa. Boys are better than girls, shut the fuck up man, this is not the 1950's (3).

Last week I talked about the hipster churches that are attempting to evolve from the ancient crusty "fire and brimstone" religious experience of us, our parents and their parents and how I believe that this is a move in a better direction. I still don't believe that Jesus is a 1/3'er (3)or end of times: but I will give them credit in the areas of fighting sexism (female clergy, contraception) and for LGBT rights/equality.

Googled "they eye of God." Seeeee, he has blue eyes.

Pastor Rob Bell introduced a kinder Christian experience with his book published last year that ponders a Christianity with no (concept of) hell. Bishop John Shelby Spong is a very vocal about revolutionizing the church he loves so much. Here, last week, I talked about the hipster churches fronted by hottie tatooed pastors (hello), church rock concerts and such. change is in the air and in the pews.

You know another reason why I think this thing is working. Just watch what the opposition is doing. Catholic bishops widened their war on women to include contraception, i think, because they feel threatened.  Don't believe the bull that they are fighting for religious liberty. They are fighting for the kinda tradition that I mentioned at the top o' da page, the wrong kinda tradition. Why is the Queen punching back over this particular row, cause she's scared. They are fighting to control women, entirely, because they have relinquished some of that in recent decades and it appears in the upcoming decades.

I Googled something like "stupid kids", or "how stupid are kids." This is for you, you know who you are.

Here in the states we may not be as secular as the UK, but since the arrival of The New Atheists, we have done good work and made great progress. Again, why is it important for me to see the drifting of youth to a more liberal religion than there parents and grandparents. With the move comes the liberal interpretation of that bible they keep talking about. Ever wonder why evangelicals hate on the super awesome Black Prez, the bible. They interpret it as literal and he goes Jefferson on it.

In the battle for secular society it is the extremist that is our opposition. It might be strange bedfellows to team up with liberal religion, but we have the same goals: LGBT, feminism, civil rights, equality, environment, change, evolution. Can we reason with extreme Islamists, or is there a line drawn in the sand. Will the abortion, and now contraception, debate ever be conclusively solved, or are their two polarized sides. I read last week the GOP voters are tired of social issue debates because the lines have been drawn and seemingly are so entrenched that compromise (not that I want that) is a fantasy.

This is why at this moment I feel things are getting better. It is also very sunny outside right now, and you guys know how I heart that.

* Does this post even make sense, I'll edit later. Going fer a walk to get some sun. Out.

(1) Wow, that is so lame. It WAS traditional to own slaves. It WAS traditional to beat your wife and/or children. If one does that now, they go to jail. Just because something is tradition does not automatically mean that that endeavor is correct or right or good. Lame.

(2) Tom wrote Onward Christian Athletes. It is a must read. It's about the infiltration of evangelicals in all of pro athletes. There are pastors-n-stuff inside clubhouses. If you don't believe in dominionism before reading this, well....

(3). The trinity, yo.

* Update: Atheist will outnumber Christians (I think in England) in 20 years. See, I told you.

A Week OF...The Year In Review. Return to You

So I hope that everyone survived, mmmmm, Isaac Newton's birthday yesterday. Yesterday was the first time in probably tens years that I did something on xmas. "K" thank you so much. I know, what the hell, is this atheist getting soft, or was I just hungry...both. I dunno.

As all you kind gentle and very good looking readers know it has been the most difficult year for me. I acknowledged my depression at this time last year, I suffered most of the year, I'm on meds now and for the most part everything is going really good (it sure was tuff that weekend Hitch died, but I'm over that now). In the middle of the hours, days, weeks and months of suffering I started, for better of worse, my failed project Nu Kriss Summer/Winter 2011. I recall always saying "The Phoenix arises from the ashes...but I'm still in the ashes part." Well now I'm not in the ashes part and if this is the Phoenix part..then fuck, the Phoenix kinda sucks.

I started the project because I needed something to do when I didn't have meds, then when I was waiting for the meds to kick in. I suffered outwardly (is that a word, it is now) and wore it on my sleeve. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not fake. Because of that, so many peeps gave me advice (some good, some bad, some that made me mad). I did the eat better, as well as don't do drugs, don't drink that much and exercise. One of the other thingies was that reinventing of myself that people are always talking about. A new me, a makeover for my soul, if I can say that and still be on the Team. The past few months I've literally have shed my skin. I have become new. Not only have I turned that metaphorical page, I feel like I've turned a novels worth of pages and I'm still not at the end of it, yet.

I haven't watched (or played) sports, or martial arts and I haven't played music or even listened to music pretty much the whole year. The one show I went to in early summer was ruined by my depression/anxiety. Hell, (formerly) my Forty Niner's are in first place after ten years of living in Suckville...and I haven't seen one game this season. For a while, and I wrote many posts on this, I contemplated changing into a full-fledged angry atheist. No more apologizing to liberal believers, no more splitting hairs between extreme and moderate religion. I still haven't decided what to do on that one, but if people started to see me as a Filipino Christopher Hitchens in new my unapologetic stance on religion...then awesome (juries still out tho). Why? I didn't know what to do. I thought change would be a good thing (and that is still up for debate) so I decided to do the opposite of what I have always done. Isn't that the definition of change?

So, I'm still Phoenix-ing and still shedding, but the other nite I played music for the first time in months. I was crapola and drunk, but it was an effort where there had been no effort whatsoevah before that nite. Another thingy I have recently done and fo sho I thought I would never do that again was think about...You.

Baby, I used to write You epic love poems where I poured out, what at one time I called, my Hearting. For a long time here every Friday was Love Poem Friday, then I turned it to "Friday, I'm in Love"....Then the depression happened and I had no more Hearting. Then after that there was no more You. About a month ago I was ready to leave town and never come back. I was not going to say goodbye. I was never going to see You or think of You again (I was fuckin' pissed at that time). But hold the phone...something is happening.

I have been thinking about You, again. And while I still want to move, I'm going to do it right, ya know, with a plan and all that shit (I really was gonna leave with just a backpack and very little money, no place to stay and no job. Like I said, I was pissed.). I guess change happens in mysterious ways. I do not know the destination of Nu Kriss, I just know that I'm on the road and that journey that people keep talking about is totally journey-ing right now...and You are back in my thoughts (dam, it's been a while baby).

...and ya know what, it feels good to be Hearting again. It feels good to think about You. Ya hear that, baby. That is the sound of a very large lady NOT singing.

* The epic epicness of Love Poem Friday. Honestly, I'm not capable of writing like this right now and I don't know if I will ever have enuff Hearting in my soul to ever write like this again. I'm just saying...I thought of You. Here. Here. Here.

As If....

As if...

...the year could not get any worse. I'm ready for that symbolic "new beginning" that the new year offers; and Gawd dammit, I fuckin' want it and I need it. During the first weekend in June, the first sunny weekend in a long long winter, I went to a three day concert with my super good homie. Let's go down the list: three day concert, camping at the event, ten's of thousands of super hotties, many many home-bro's to chill with, food taken care of, party supplies...no worries mate. And yet, it sucked (for me).

On the Saturday of that weekend, on what usually is the pinnacle of a weekend festival like that, I was off of work (and it is not work walking around a concert venue asking people "Are y'all having a good time, folks."), the sunny day morphed into a nite filled with that energy, sweet reggae music was playing, the lights were dazzling, I could see silhouettes of couples embracing-and kissing, mixed with people shadow dancing, cute girls hula hoopin', the stilt walkers walking, the steam punks and their gigantic bikes, the beer garden (and the tinkle of glasses and the laughter of boozed up women) and all under a moon so close (if I wuz on mushrooms) "you could actually reach out and touch it."

I was crouched behind the empty hand drum/percussion stand, in the shadows of shadows, and I thought to myself, as girls with fairy and angel wings danced by (leading drunk bro-dudes with the power of their pussies)"if I could walk home right now, I would." What really happened was that I went back to my tent, alone, and I tried to sleep while the sweet reggae music played and the crowd whooped and holler'd like there was no tomorrow...and then I cried (again).

I don't know if it was me, or my super good friend, that dubbed this year "The Year Of Crying," but one of us did-and we both agree'd. (This time around) My depression has been absolutely tremendous. I do not remember it being this intense before. After months and months of everyday obsessing on stupid and uncontrollable shit, for ten to twelve hours a day-every waking moment-I went to go get help in the form of beautiful Prozac. Fo sho it has help'd, but not the way it help'd before. The last time I went on the Zac, that was it. It did the job. Fin. End of story. Large ladies with huge breasts singing. This time there is residue. It's not over (and I want it so badly to be over), and in my chemically changed heart and mind...I know it's not over.

Earlier in the year I had the super bug, MRSA, so of course I thought things like "shit I hope this doesn't kill me," "shit I hope it doesn't get so bad I have to cut off my foot or something (which is not unheard of)." If you have anxiety and depression...you don't want to think about those things when you are already thinking about uncontrollable and stupid shit anyways.

My personal living situation had to be addressed (and my super good homie took care of me. thanks bro) and that weirded me out for a while, but I still had that thing that was always there like a cloud over my head, following me and following me. It was hard to sleep (insomnia), so I drank a lot to sleep (that was my excuse), but when I got up...the cloud was still fuckin' there.  It was during these times that I thought "if I go to sleep and never wake up...that would be OK by me."

So at this time, I no longer had any feelings for playing music or listening to music (not even listening to music, really, sheez). I had gotten penicillin for the killer super bug that kills people. In other news, the love of my life (or so I thought), the one that in my writing I have always referred to her as "Her" or "You",  had tried to help me, but it (suddenly) turned into she was the one that needed help; and then it ended with...the end of us. My great job, the place that I have great history with, the place that I used to call The Greatest Place on Earth, was now a monster and I dreaded going there everyday. I got the meds that I needed so badly and everything was starting to get better...then the monster became a mouth and I had to enter it everyday (with my mind running, my head down and my spirit defeated, fuckin' defeated I tell you...everyday for a month).

I accepted it and called it Nu Kriss Summer/Winter 2011. It was my hope that this, this was the Phoenix arises from the ashes and this was a new beginning. A snake sheds it's skin and becomes anew. Winter turns to spring where new life emerges: seeds and trees-n-caterpillars and butterflies. Day (fuckin') turns to nite, but that is just so that we can rejoice in the new day...a sunny day, a day with warmth and life. I've taken steps back, but I always thought "I'll take more steps forward, so fuck you circumstances...I'm Kriss." Fall off the horse, fall of the bike, if it doesn't kill you, tomorrow will come...and all that shit. Also....

I'm at the end of my rope and (currently) there is a straw breaking THIS camels back. I have always had skin problems of some sort, eczema,  MRSA and twice in my life I have had this thing called Pityraisis Rosea.

No one knows what causes it (doctors say stress, and I won't argue with that) or how to cure it. The only thing we know about it is that it can last for up to four weeks, it happens from ages 14 to 35 and it's not contagious. I had it went I was 14 going thru my shitty and tuff childhood (thanks abusive shitty Filipino parents-I'll never forgive you, assholes) and I had it at about 33, around the time I first got help for depression. Guess what...I think it's happening again (even tho it is only supposed to happen twice in a lifetime).

I can feel it. My skin feels different. I can see the patterns in the scabs and I can even see the scabs going in a pattern (it follows the bloodstream, like the MRSA). I would go and get checked out, but I don't have insurance. What are they going to do anyway-nothing. The only thing to do is wait it out-4-6 weeks.

So what do I have to look forward to...100's in not 1,000's of itchy scabs all over my body...ALL OVER. I will itch all the time, but that is not shit. I hope it doesn't happen this time, but if it gets all over my face, then going to work at the cafe is going to be shit. I can wear long sleeve shirts, but I can't cover my face. If it progresses to my scalp then my head will have dandruff on steroids and fer get about combing my hair. If you have ever had chicken pox, then it is like that. My skin will be super sensitive and when, not if, but when it goes down there....fuck.

Bloody underwear that sticks and peals and hurts because there are scabs all over my body when I get dressed and undressed. Taking a shower is like a million needles bombarding you constantly and relentlessly. You can't sleep because you can't move. Don't flex your muscles, skin will break. Movement sucks because you have scabs all over you body. Taking a shit sucks, because you have a million scabs all over you body. An erection...I don't even want to think about it.

A couple of months ago I prayed and I asked God to relieve me of my suffering. I begged and pleaded "I have not done anything wrong. I'm kind to people. What have I done." Since that I have suffered more. I was never relieved of my suffering, in fact, it only got worse, more intense. I'am now bitter and angry. I long for the happy go lucky Kriss that my memory tells me was a good and kind person. After those countless hours of excessive worry from months ago ("why did this..." "is this really what is happening..." "is THIS the truth..."), the sleepless nights, the nite sweats, the not being able to look people in the eye, the frustration that turns into anger, the confusion and...now this.

I can't fuckin' cry anymore. What did I do to deserve this much suffering?

Fuck.

The Fear

I don't fear much, not even death, but I do fear becoming my dad. I'm convinced that Father Asshole Dick Face Abusive Fucker had depression and anxiety (no wonder I have that also) but he didn't get help. The anger that he showed me, my brother and sister was...I can't even describe it. In martial arts there is this legendary, mythical thing called Lion's Roar, or Dragon's Roar. Basically you yell something, anything so loud at a person that something will happen to them (1). My dad was very powerful and hateful. His anger fueled his roar and I fear I have the same qualities.

"Activity in the brain's "hate circuit" is out of sync across the circuit's three regions, leading to self-loathing and other failures to deal appropriately with feeling of hate, research suggests (Sci Am)."

They iMRI'd 37 depressed and 39 not depressed brains to see the parts of the brain that 'lite up' , or not, during certain tasks. What they found was that the connectivity of the three regions associated with the "hate circuit" was not all connectivity-y.

This "hate circuit" (superior frontal gyrus, insula, putamen) in my brain and other depressed brains, basically, is outta wack. New research shows that of the three regions of the brain associated with that "hate" that I fear, in the depressed brain they are not in synch, which researchers are calling an "uncoupling."

"These differing activity levels, which the researchers referred to as an "uncoupling" of the circuit, may explain why depressed people experience self-loathing, they said. Depressed people may not be able to deal appropriately with feelings of hate, and as a consequence, develop selfhatred and withdraw from social situations, the researchers said (Sci Am)."

I'll have some brain, sunny side up please.

Of course when any new research is done, there is criticism. The brain is vast and at this time, not totally understood. Parts of the brain overlap and overlap. So while there is deff. a "hate circuit" (identified in 2008), it is also contains (overlap) parts of the brain associated with, love-n-not hate stuffs. It is exactly like the God region of the brain that Team Atheist wants so badly to find. Basically, there is too much overlap for any one function to be associated with one region of the brain. Still, I think the research is exciting.

My dad's anger (and depression. frackin' gloomy today) was tremendous and so is mine. Dangerous and uncontrollable are two words that come to my mind when thinking about his anger. Another one is irrational. One thing that I have learned about depression is that it doesn't makes sense and if you try and make sense outta it, then you are going down the wrong road. That doesn't mean that we should not try and understand it in the material form with science-n-all that stuffs. In fact, understanding would, at least for me, ease the mind.


(1) I fear that I can do this and what it is, in reality, is that you yell so loud that you can shake that person up. Part of the myth-y part is that you can kill someone with it. I guess. Fo sho I can yell so loud that a person would back up, would have fear in their eyes and an increased heart rate. Those things could lead to a heart attack, so I guess, yes, Lion's Roar can kill someone. I've been so not feeling good the past couple of days I fear that I will explode and roar uncontrollably...the way my dad did to me. I've seen my dad fight grown men, and win. I've seen my dad take on a group of teenagers, all at the same time, and win. I have never seen anger like that anywhere else, and I'm convinced that because of genetics, I have that also. That is my fear.

The SAD season...Bring It On (and thank you)

 The first signs of winter has made an appearance in my beloved Sac Town. We have it so good here in Nor Cal, it hardly ever rains, it doesn't get too cold...but still, winter comes. It was last winter, specifically the end, where I notice and acknowledged the return of my depression. If I had been a little more alert, perhaps, and I'm trying to NOT be hard on myself...perhaps I could have recognized S.A.D. and perhaps, gotten help earlier. What can ya do.

 Seasonal Affective Disorder is an episode of depression that comes because of lack of sunlight. The long winter days, filled with not enuff sunlight, changes the brain chemistry. I think it's something like, sunlight helps your body produce that vitamin, and then when you don't produce that particular vitamin, then your (mine) brain chemistry changes. SAD, I guess, is a precursor to straight up depression, that is why it has it's own name. I've been on meds (this time around) for, like four months and it's going good-could be better tho. Fo sho I will be more in-tune to the amount of sunlight and my moods this winter (I'm not going thru that shit again...I won't be able to do it) and fo sho will continue to not voluntarily change my brain chemistry (I miss ya drugs, but what can a guy do).

 I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff looking out into the sea and the horizon. There is a dark and powerful storm coming. I can't see it, but I can feel it-in my heart. Fellow atheist bloggers with depression...I've been reading all your posts (you know who you are) and I appreciate the kinds words and the courage you all have to "let it all hang out", no shame, only feelings, no matter how irrational. I feel like y'all understand me and visa versa. One of you (the one with the invites) chronicled her (or was it him) depression so eloquently and specific that I cried. It takes one to know one and unfortunately, I know.

Kind gentle and very good looking readers and fellow atheist bloggers with depression, don't get me wrong, I'm not totally bummed out (and fo sho I don't feel 100% either), I'm just sayin' that winter is here and that is when it all started for me last year. The storm is coming, but I'm watching out for it this time. It encourages me that you do this (as you know, sometimes it's so lonely and you know no one understands) and as I read your posts, the posts that look just like mine-feelings, emotions and all-then I don't feel alone anymore.

Believe it or not, I'm not that good at sharing, err, sharing in my environment. This blog has been my outlet to say the things that I'm not willing to say in my environment (I dunno why I do that). When I have an episode I clam up. Some people are talkers and sharers, and I'm not one of them. I think it's the residue from my macho Filipino Catholic upbringing, any who...I never ask for help, and in fact I never ask for anything. But this time, this SAD season, because all of you have been so kind and generous to me the entire shitty summer...I might lean on you. I might send you a tweet or an email. I might share and open up.

It's sunny right now in super awesome Sac Town. Really, darkness is the last thing that this atheist wants to see and experience. Like I said earlier, I'm not totally bummed out. I'm ready for the fight (I hope that it doesn't come, but if it does, bring it on) but I anticipate that my opponent, my brain chemistry, will be worthy. What am I trying to say...you guys have been tremendous all summer and winter is coming....wish me luck and don't be surprised if you get an email or a call.

Thanks homies.

---------------------------------------

I didn't mention any names of blogs. Really personal stuff. If you are in the same boat and would like to discover atheist bloggers with depression that write about it, tweet me or something and I turn you in the right direction. You not alone.

Update, the next day. Fuck everything. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on and if I can get the satisfaction of punching you in the face, over and over again, with my rock hard fist that has been conditioned to punch faces and be rock hard...then who cares about jail. Fuck you.

Back to The "Wack"

Everytime ya go to a "How to blog better site," they always suggest the top ten list. Guess what...chicken butt. Guess what else...I'm gonna talk about my depression again. Guess what else, what else...I'm gonna try and be funny.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY I"M NOT DEPRESSED ANYMORE

10) When I go to sleep, I also want to wake up.
9) Once again I care about anything and everything and I don't feel like destroying shit for no reason.
8) I'm masturbating again. There was a two month period where my forearm strength and my grip strength went down considerably.
7) 6) Is masturbating again.
5) I'm not making any deals with God. I confess, I did pray one day...no more.
4) I have the ability to smile and shoot the shit and even joke around (really, it was that bad).
3) I look both ways when I cross the street because now I want to live.
2) I have vigor in my atheist blogging for the sake of secular society (for a while there I was just going thru the motions.
1) This is the best one. My number one reason, that I can see, that I am not depressed anymore....da da daaaa, I love my job again. Yippie!!!!

This has been the crappiest summer ever, ever. Interbutz homies, thanks so much for all the support and personal stories (sometimes too personal). I never want to suffer like that again soz Imagonna always take that beautiful little flueoxotine pill every morning...after I wack.

Thanks homies.

The Last Time...For those Keeping Score

 Howz about an incoherent rambling post off the top of my head with no notes-haven't done one of those in a while. So I've been on the "zac" aprox 40 days. It take 4-6 weeks to kick in (actually saw positive results earlier), but I was thinking (which is good, cause...anyways...), it took months to get all fucked up and depressed and it probably will take months to shake it off. As I recall the last time I took the "zac" a couple of months went by and one day I realized that the cloud was gone (as well as the anxiety and excessive worry.) Still waiting for that one day, but it is really looking better.

Of the past 40 days, I've only had two nervous breakdowns and as time goes it gets better and better. I'm still not 100%, whatever that is. Aprox 50 days ago I was in if I go to sleep and never wake up, that would be cool. 50 days, apparently, is an eternity and a  lot can happen-like not wanting the sleep. If I never reacted totally lamely and broke down and started man crying at the drop of a , err, hat, is that the saying, then that would be fine with me. At the end there I was getting quite good at it. I would cry and just keep doing whatever I was doing and I had no shame at all or was not embarrassed. Still, I don't want that shit to ever happen again.

My long silky beautiful hair is still in tact, but my Phoney Niner's are not. I guess you can ask 'why' but I won't have an answer. Why did I consider cutting my waist length hair in the first place (or shaving my entire body, even down there), I really couldn't tell ya. I just rolled with it and felt whatever there was to feel. That one day, seriously, only one day, that my ex helped me she said, "Do not make any life changing decisions right now." I followed her advice, even tho she left me the next day (piece of shit. I stayed with her for months helping her with her depression...twice. I only got one day. Needless to say, I let go of Her and now she is her. We had great great times baby, but the shit is over now). But I did make some roll with the punches, at least temporary, decisions.

As of right now I'm not listening to music. I know...WTF. Really, it doesn't do anything for me. Before this episode of depression I would tap my toe and bang out a rhythm to any song that I could hear. It didn't matter if it was from the 50's, 70's or any decade, or any style for that matter, I felt it in my heart. It did something for me and to me. It is just like love. Love moves you, it makes you feel certain ways...music no longer does anything for me (and that is listening and playing it). I can't explain it. It might come back. I really don't know.

Remember the classic, is it philosophy or psychology class, where you learn that not everyone see's the same 'blue' that you see. I may see 'blue' as a different 'blue' to you, but we can agree that what we are pointing at is blue, anyways...It's all in the brain. Whether it is agreeing that a certain color is blue or coming to a consensus on what is right or wrong, or belief in gawd for that matter. That perception is directly influence by chemicals in the brain (the correct mixtures and levels), and without it a depressed brain like mine will have trouble deciding what is 'blue', or even more importantly, what is right and wrong. To say that I had no control, just one month ago, is not giving the depression enuff props. In fact, it controlled me, entirely.

Now I have things back, that the depression took away from my. For the longest time, I did not own any of my thoughts-they just ran day in day out, not anymore. My full range of feelings has returned. @burnttorange tweeted me last week that I "smiled", and that is how fucked up it has been. So I lost music and the Phoney Niner's (I can always go back to that shit, so don't trip), but I'm willing to cut my losses. I really don't care about those things, when I have my brain power back. Now I can read for hours and hours again (50 days ago it took 20 minutes to read a basic newspaper article), I have the full range of thoughts feelings and emotions and dagnabit...I don't want to lose that again.

...and that is the score....Flueoxitine Forever.

I Still Love You After All These Years...

Us previously. Different and yet in love.

I still love you after all these years, but I want you to know the last couple of months has been so hard, ya know with the depression and anxiety (plus that excessive worry that leads to anger, frustration, then me kicking things). The 'zac' has helped, but not enuff and not fast enuff. It was my hope that after a month on the meds that I would return to you and return to the way I used to feel; both felling good, loose and carefree like the Kriss I/you/us knows, and positive feelings for you. Just like with me sitting on the fence as whether to become a full fledged angry atheist v. being an accommodationalist atheist, I'm sitting on the fence on whether to return to you.

I'd probably cry right now, but the tear shipment doesn't come till Tuesday.

 You hurt me so much. It is cliche to say but you crushed my world. When Eva and I broke up that rocked my world (being that she was the first g-friend of my life and all) and when Cleo died, I was devastated (I still think of her to this day.). When you hurt me it was those things multiplied and squared to infinity. If a prophet told me how much I would suffer because of you, I would have laughed in dudes face (and then told him about the New Atheism). There is no way I would have ever thought a tuff guy like me could suffer this much. I'm still in denial and shake my head "this can't be happening, this can't be happening," as I cry in public places and people stop and stare.

I'm an expert at having nervous breakdowns right now and I do not want to be. I can be hanging out with friends and then I feel it coming on. I go down my list of good and positive things: I'm healthy, happy, I have lot's of friends and people that love me. Why, then why am I falling apart right now. Why do I start crying, at any moment, on anyday, for seemingly no reason. I'm so hurt by you.

I keep talking about Nu Kriss and how a change or transformation is going to happen. I dunno about that shit. I think I'm just trying to keep myself occupied, get my mind off of things and kill time while I wait for the prozac to kick in. I keep saying that I'm going to cut my hair (and my new thing is to shave my entire body. Why? I dunno. It doesn't make sense. I do not make sense), and the hair is certainly on the chopping block, but seriously, I don't think I can do that. I'm just sayin'. I'm just killin' time. I'm just waiting.

We don't have to kiss. That would be weird. I would like to be happy, tho.

The past couple of months has been torture. To say that I have suffered is just the beginning of it. I don't know a better word than 'suffering' to describe what I have gone thru. I do not think that a word exists that can describe how torturous it has been for me. Irrational is pretty good. I've never been violent or even been in a fight, but I had to give my gun away because I started have crazy irrational thoughts.  I have never thought about the 'S' word (and, actually I can say it...suicide, suicide, suicide.), but honestly, before I got the meds, there was a moment where I thought that if I went to sleep and I never woke up...then that would be cool (that's not suicide, that is sleeping and never waking up (1).). At that time, I had given up hope.

What am I trying to say....The past couple of months (and actually the depression started in December-ish) has been the tuffest period that I have had to go thru in my life. Suffering and torture begin to describe what I have felt and experienced. I've had many crazy and random thoughts go thru my head because of the excessive worry, the anxiety and depression and finally, now, it is starting to get manageable (I'd say I'm around 85% back to normal, whatever normal is.). What am I trying to say...I'm ready to move forward.

I'm ready to leave the irrational-ness behind. I have never had this much hate in my heart (and frustration and pain etc etc etc...) and it kills me to feel this way. History tells me that this is not what I am like (am I wrong?). Even when I left my biological family I did not feel as (negatively) intensely as I have the past couple of months (and ya know how much I hate them). You hurt me. OK.  I would like to move forward now. I can't live like this. No...no longer will I live like this. I want to be happy. I don't want to suffer anymore. No one should suffer like this, not even an enemy.

I'm babbling now. What is it I'm trying to say...Whether I'm ready or not, and I don't care if the Prozac is working or not (it is working, but not as strongly or as fast as I want it to), I want...no, I need to change this. This is no way to live. Ready or not...I'm moving forward.

Cleo, I still think about you, but missing you doesn't compare to the suffering of the past couple of months. I so badly wish that you were still here, esp. now. I really need your company. I'll make it, but I'm just sayin'. 

(1). Really, look at how honest I have been. I let it all hang out and I don't care about what's or why's. I've never lied and I am always honest even if it means I will look bad. On this blog I've been honest about my love(s) and about my drinking and my drug usage (as well as in life). When I do not know something, then I say it. When peeps call me out about some of the information I write about...I admit when I'm wrong. So that suicide thingy. I've never contemplated that.

I believe that there is a difference between planing on taking ones own life and feeling that (because of intense suffering) if I went to sleep and died of natural causes, and then I never woke up-that would be OK. Is it a loophole and for the first time I'm not being honest? There's a first time for everything, but I don't think that that is the case.

I plan on living and I plan on being happy.

For Those Keeping Score

I haven't updated my crazy pants status in a while, so for those keeping score....

I've been on the "zac" for a couple of weeks now and while I have notice a great great improvement...I'm still not 100%, yet. The past couple of days have been really difficult. Two days in a row now I've had super huge nervous breakdowns, much more severe than before (so WTF, I thought I was getting better and that makes it worse). My mind is still running too much for my taste and that leads to the frustration and that leads to the anger and that leads to the man tears (I frackin' hate that shit man, so much). The difference now is that I have hope. As of a couple of weeks ago, really, I had given up-no hope.

I keep talking about Nu Kriss, Kriss 2.0 and that is still a work in progress. My hair is still on the chopping block and now I'm entertaining shaving my entire body (ya know, being bald down there). Why. Hell if I know. I don't try and make sense outta my depression and the random crazy thoughts. I just feel what there is to feel and I keep telling myself "don't make any life changing decisions that I will regret later (shaving my hairy ass and 'cooch' is not life changing, but other things are). If I have said it once, I've said it a million times...The phoenix arises from the ashes, but I'm still in the ashes part.

One thingy that fo sho I have changed is that I do not follow sports anymore. Why? Don't frackin' ask me, I'm just rolling with the punches. Watching sports has given me great pleasure over the years and many many opportunities to drink my precious beer ("you'll never leave me, burp."). Just like when I went to this awesome three day hippie music festival at the start of summer and I didn't feel inspired by the music or the event, or the people (I'll never do that shit again (1)), I feel nothing when I watch sports or even read the sports section. Which brings me to this...

Goodbye Phoney Niner's (Forty Niners). We had some good times and lots of beers, but it is over. I've tried to follow the preseason stuffs, but my heart is not in it. Don't cry baby, I'll always have a place in my heart for you (esp. all those championship years), but the shit is over. I'll just call it like it is...You no longer do it for me and I have no feelings for you. Goodbye.

Thanks to everyone for the support. Atheist blogesphere you have been tremendous, as well as you, Twitter. I'll keep y'all posted. Thaks for keeping score and wish me luck.

(1) I've turned down three hippie festivals since that last one. I'm keeping this door open, for now. i really really had a horrible time at that last one, but my rational brain tells me that the history between us is too great. So we will see (don't make any life changing decisions, Kriss).

Slow Times At Cali High

Ugh, in fact Ugh squared. Upon opening the SF Chron this morning, that is what I said and felt in my heart. The headline reads "States High School Dropout Rate Almost 20%. That is soooo no good. That is 1 of 5 students. Look man, I was a punk rocker and new waver in HS in the 80's. I was an outcast. The Breakfast Club was like a documentary to me, but I'll tell you this kind gentle and very good looking readers...HS was easy.

I wanted to take the G.E.D. and get out a couple of months early but a counselor encouraged me to "tuff it out" and I did. I came late to the skepticism game but I was never stupid. I was never a great student but I did have the stuffs that I liked to read and I always considered my self a writer and an artist. I fear that the current generation is a-gonna make the comedy Idiocracy...a documentary.

All to often the school districts and the teachers get the blame, but I think this is totally unfair. I'm sure that they are trying the best that they can do with what little they have. They certainly are not doing it for the money. My wonderful "ex" graduated and got her teaching credential a couple of years back and with that she also gets a pink slip every year. She is dedicated and loving and I know, I know, that she wants nothing more than to teach those little germ factories and give them skills for the future.

Howz about that Pheobe Cates pool seen...right.

I look at it like this...If you go to the worst of the worst school with the highest dropout rate (that is you Oakland) there are still kids that graduate at the top of there class and go to college (or at least are competent in life, right). So why do some succeed and most do not (in these schools). I think that blame goes to the families. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, there are families where generations and generations are, I'll just say it, stupid. Why?

Generations and generations of having children at a young age and then relying of the government (and I'm certainly not a conservative republican, I'm just calling it like it is). Doing God's work has enslaved young women and decreased their chances to have their own economic power, freedom. But what if they didn't have children at a young age, did they grow up in an environment where education is cherished. I think not.

Look man, I'm a minority and in fact I was very surprised to see Filipino's on the high dropout rate list. This is a problem all across the board, but unfortunately it plagues minorities at a higher rate. 1 in 5 kids is a lot and I'm frackin' pissed. This is just not right. you don't have to go to college right outta HS (I'm still in college at 42), but you have to have some degree of capability.

The cuts to budgets run soooo deep. Classroom sizes are increasing and good dedicated teachers are getting laid off. Students are deficient in the maths and sciences and religion is attempting to infiltrate the science and history classrooms. How can we compete with China and Japan and India. their students whomp all over our students.

I'm totally emotional, so I'm gonna stop. We are in a recession that, as far as the commoner is concerned, is a depression. The rich are getting richer and the poor are fighting over crumbs. C'mon California, this is about the future. I do not want to live in a world where the comedy Idiocracy is a documentary. Sheez.

* Article SF Chron

The Glimpse

I Googled Greek Goddess and this came up. These ladies do not compare.

Sooooo, yea, I made a promise to write about how I had my Francis Collins moment last Friday, and I will, but not today. What can I say, I'm a guy, guys lie and it's your fault for believing me. Howz about something positive, err, yea, it's positive. Check it out.

Right as I was getting off of work from my weekend job, the job that I do because they pay me with a meal, a pack of cigarettes and one, just one beer for my break at the pizza shop downstairs (dam, sometimes that pizza sure smells good) and wouldn't you know it, it (1) happened. My buddy, a totally tuff looking Harley biker dude had concern and asked, "Are you OK my friend." Sobbing and hyperventilating at the same time I said, "No." Any who, I got off of work and got on my bike to head home.

So I didn't have any money (I did have cigarettes, and for that I am grateful) but I decided to see if my homies were working at the restaurant. Those dudes are usually good for a beer and some conversation, or in my case lately, no conversation. "Dude why are your eyes so red." I explained and my good homie (thanks #teambro) floated me one delicious and cold and beautiful and wonderful and tasty and so awesome...beer (my joke has always been to hold up a glass of beer, holding it gently and saying, "Beer, will you marry me?")(2). I wasn't up for any conversation so I opened my book and did the Kriss trick of looking like I'm reading, but I'm not-I just want to stare  at the space between the letters and have privacy. But out of the corner of my eye...

I could see The Greek Goddess(3) out of the corner of my eye and I turned in my chair to 'see better.' Across the street is pretty far but I was, like, 90% certain it was her (and the something positive part is totally coming up). So what happens, of course my mind starts racing; err, my mind was already racing, but now it had a new subject-The Greek Goddess. For the past couple of months, maybe even longer, fo sho I don't keep track anymore, I have been in isolation mode. I never get privacy, even before this episode of depression, and as of lates I have been pushing peeps away, talking less and sharing even less than that. This is the awesome part...I had a thought, it was just an idea, a whim if you will, that I should finish my beer and go over to The Greek Goddess and ...talk to her.

It may seem really insignificant, but really kind gentle and very goodlooking readers, it is frackin' huge. A freakin' thought! Talking to peeps is something I've been doing for, like, ever. You can't be a barista and not have the gift of gab-it is totally required. As of late, there has been no gabbing, and the gift of it is anything but-shooting the sh*t, small talk and everyday conversation is a torturous chore that I would rather avoid at all costs. But not this time (Sunday early evening). This time I had a frackin' idea, a frackin' thought. That is what all the cool kids call progress.

Seriously, the last couple of months the only thing that I have been able to feel is hate thru frustration (and I'm totally not exaggerating) and I have been closing myself up and off to the general public and even my friends. To have a thought, a simple thought, a frackin' idea, an idea that was so common a couple of months ago I would not have even thought about it...go talk to someone Kriss, answer their questions, ask them some question, listen and be listened to. Like I said, that is progress.

It is small, but I'll take it. So far I feel pretty good today (morning is the best time). Yesterday I had a glimpse of normalcy. I felt like the Old Kriss, the Kriss that is nice to people, the Kriss that shoots the sh*t with people...not Nu Kriss (the guy that I admit is a d*ck) In the past couple of months, a glimpse at normalcy is all I get, a couple of minutes on what became a pleasent Sunday evening, I'll take it. Hopefully it keeps happening.

(1) "it" is the super sh*tty nervous breakdown(s) that f*ckin' sucks rocks. I hate it so much.

(2) When I say 'floated' I mean dude paid for it with his tips. I may be depressed, but I'm still pro small business.

(3) The Greek Goddess looks like Jenifer Aniston, but better. The best part is that she is really smart and she is totally studying science right now, lot's of it. I think peeps look at her shape, the blond hair and the pretty face and think typical and cliche things about her...and yes, I did go over and talk to her.

* I'm totally itching for some good 'ol New Atheists post next. It's just I only have the capacity to do very little right now. I'm just happy to be able to squeeze out one post a day. Wish me luck.

Team Atheist Forever