The Last Time...For those Keeping Score

 Howz about an incoherent rambling post off the top of my head with no notes-haven't done one of those in a while. So I've been on the "zac" aprox 40 days. It take 4-6 weeks to kick in (actually saw positive results earlier), but I was thinking (which is good, cause...anyways...), it took months to get all fucked up and depressed and it probably will take months to shake it off. As I recall the last time I took the "zac" a couple of months went by and one day I realized that the cloud was gone (as well as the anxiety and excessive worry.) Still waiting for that one day, but it is really looking better.

Of the past 40 days, I've only had two nervous breakdowns and as time goes it gets better and better. I'm still not 100%, whatever that is. Aprox 50 days ago I was in if I go to sleep and never wake up, that would be cool. 50 days, apparently, is an eternity and a  lot can happen-like not wanting the sleep. If I never reacted totally lamely and broke down and started man crying at the drop of a , err, hat, is that the saying, then that would be fine with me. At the end there I was getting quite good at it. I would cry and just keep doing whatever I was doing and I had no shame at all or was not embarrassed. Still, I don't want that shit to ever happen again.

My long silky beautiful hair is still in tact, but my Phoney Niner's are not. I guess you can ask 'why' but I won't have an answer. Why did I consider cutting my waist length hair in the first place (or shaving my entire body, even down there), I really couldn't tell ya. I just rolled with it and felt whatever there was to feel. That one day, seriously, only one day, that my ex helped me she said, "Do not make any life changing decisions right now." I followed her advice, even tho she left me the next day (piece of shit. I stayed with her for months helping her with her depression...twice. I only got one day. Needless to say, I let go of Her and now she is her. We had great great times baby, but the shit is over now). But I did make some roll with the punches, at least temporary, decisions.

As of right now I'm not listening to music. I know...WTF. Really, it doesn't do anything for me. Before this episode of depression I would tap my toe and bang out a rhythm to any song that I could hear. It didn't matter if it was from the 50's, 70's or any decade, or any style for that matter, I felt it in my heart. It did something for me and to me. It is just like love. Love moves you, it makes you feel certain ways...music no longer does anything for me (and that is listening and playing it). I can't explain it. It might come back. I really don't know.

Remember the classic, is it philosophy or psychology class, where you learn that not everyone see's the same 'blue' that you see. I may see 'blue' as a different 'blue' to you, but we can agree that what we are pointing at is blue, anyways...It's all in the brain. Whether it is agreeing that a certain color is blue or coming to a consensus on what is right or wrong, or belief in gawd for that matter. That perception is directly influence by chemicals in the brain (the correct mixtures and levels), and without it a depressed brain like mine will have trouble deciding what is 'blue', or even more importantly, what is right and wrong. To say that I had no control, just one month ago, is not giving the depression enuff props. In fact, it controlled me, entirely.

Now I have things back, that the depression took away from my. For the longest time, I did not own any of my thoughts-they just ran day in day out, not anymore. My full range of feelings has returned. @burnttorange tweeted me last week that I "smiled", and that is how fucked up it has been. So I lost music and the Phoney Niner's (I can always go back to that shit, so don't trip), but I'm willing to cut my losses. I really don't care about those things, when I have my brain power back. Now I can read for hours and hours again (50 days ago it took 20 minutes to read a basic newspaper article), I have the full range of thoughts feelings and emotions and dagnabit...I don't want to lose that again.

...and that is the score....Flueoxitine Forever.