A Week OF...The Year In Review. Return to You

So I hope that everyone survived, mmmmm, Isaac Newton's birthday yesterday. Yesterday was the first time in probably tens years that I did something on xmas. "K" thank you so much. I know, what the hell, is this atheist getting soft, or was I just hungry...both. I dunno.

As all you kind gentle and very good looking readers know it has been the most difficult year for me. I acknowledged my depression at this time last year, I suffered most of the year, I'm on meds now and for the most part everything is going really good (it sure was tuff that weekend Hitch died, but I'm over that now). In the middle of the hours, days, weeks and months of suffering I started, for better of worse, my failed project Nu Kriss Summer/Winter 2011. I recall always saying "The Phoenix arises from the ashes...but I'm still in the ashes part." Well now I'm not in the ashes part and if this is the Phoenix part..then fuck, the Phoenix kinda sucks.

I started the project because I needed something to do when I didn't have meds, then when I was waiting for the meds to kick in. I suffered outwardly (is that a word, it is now) and wore it on my sleeve. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not fake. Because of that, so many peeps gave me advice (some good, some bad, some that made me mad). I did the eat better, as well as don't do drugs, don't drink that much and exercise. One of the other thingies was that reinventing of myself that people are always talking about. A new me, a makeover for my soul, if I can say that and still be on the Team. The past few months I've literally have shed my skin. I have become new. Not only have I turned that metaphorical page, I feel like I've turned a novels worth of pages and I'm still not at the end of it, yet.

I haven't watched (or played) sports, or martial arts and I haven't played music or even listened to music pretty much the whole year. The one show I went to in early summer was ruined by my depression/anxiety. Hell, (formerly) my Forty Niner's are in first place after ten years of living in Suckville...and I haven't seen one game this season. For a while, and I wrote many posts on this, I contemplated changing into a full-fledged angry atheist. No more apologizing to liberal believers, no more splitting hairs between extreme and moderate religion. I still haven't decided what to do on that one, but if people started to see me as a Filipino Christopher Hitchens in new my unapologetic stance on religion...then awesome (juries still out tho). Why? I didn't know what to do. I thought change would be a good thing (and that is still up for debate) so I decided to do the opposite of what I have always done. Isn't that the definition of change?

So, I'm still Phoenix-ing and still shedding, but the other nite I played music for the first time in months. I was crapola and drunk, but it was an effort where there had been no effort whatsoevah before that nite. Another thingy I have recently done and fo sho I thought I would never do that again was think about...You.

Baby, I used to write You epic love poems where I poured out, what at one time I called, my Hearting. For a long time here every Friday was Love Poem Friday, then I turned it to "Friday, I'm in Love"....Then the depression happened and I had no more Hearting. Then after that there was no more You. About a month ago I was ready to leave town and never come back. I was not going to say goodbye. I was never going to see You or think of You again (I was fuckin' pissed at that time). But hold the phone...something is happening.

I have been thinking about You, again. And while I still want to move, I'm going to do it right, ya know, with a plan and all that shit (I really was gonna leave with just a backpack and very little money, no place to stay and no job. Like I said, I was pissed.). I guess change happens in mysterious ways. I do not know the destination of Nu Kriss, I just know that I'm on the road and that journey that people keep talking about is totally journey-ing right now...and You are back in my thoughts (dam, it's been a while baby).

...and ya know what, it feels good to be Hearting again. It feels good to think about You. Ya hear that, baby. That is the sound of a very large lady NOT singing.

* The epic epicness of Love Poem Friday. Honestly, I'm not capable of writing like this right now and I don't know if I will ever have enuff Hearting in my soul to ever write like this again. I'm just saying...I thought of You. Here. Here. Here.