I Still Love You After All These Years...

Us previously. Different and yet in love.

I still love you after all these years, but I want you to know the last couple of months has been so hard, ya know with the depression and anxiety (plus that excessive worry that leads to anger, frustration, then me kicking things). The 'zac' has helped, but not enuff and not fast enuff. It was my hope that after a month on the meds that I would return to you and return to the way I used to feel; both felling good, loose and carefree like the Kriss I/you/us knows, and positive feelings for you. Just like with me sitting on the fence as whether to become a full fledged angry atheist v. being an accommodationalist atheist, I'm sitting on the fence on whether to return to you.

I'd probably cry right now, but the tear shipment doesn't come till Tuesday.

 You hurt me so much. It is cliche to say but you crushed my world. When Eva and I broke up that rocked my world (being that she was the first g-friend of my life and all) and when Cleo died, I was devastated (I still think of her to this day.). When you hurt me it was those things multiplied and squared to infinity. If a prophet told me how much I would suffer because of you, I would have laughed in dudes face (and then told him about the New Atheism). There is no way I would have ever thought a tuff guy like me could suffer this much. I'm still in denial and shake my head "this can't be happening, this can't be happening," as I cry in public places and people stop and stare.

I'm an expert at having nervous breakdowns right now and I do not want to be. I can be hanging out with friends and then I feel it coming on. I go down my list of good and positive things: I'm healthy, happy, I have lot's of friends and people that love me. Why, then why am I falling apart right now. Why do I start crying, at any moment, on anyday, for seemingly no reason. I'm so hurt by you.

I keep talking about Nu Kriss and how a change or transformation is going to happen. I dunno about that shit. I think I'm just trying to keep myself occupied, get my mind off of things and kill time while I wait for the prozac to kick in. I keep saying that I'm going to cut my hair (and my new thing is to shave my entire body. Why? I dunno. It doesn't make sense. I do not make sense), and the hair is certainly on the chopping block, but seriously, I don't think I can do that. I'm just sayin'. I'm just killin' time. I'm just waiting.

We don't have to kiss. That would be weird. I would like to be happy, tho.

The past couple of months has been torture. To say that I have suffered is just the beginning of it. I don't know a better word than 'suffering' to describe what I have gone thru. I do not think that a word exists that can describe how torturous it has been for me. Irrational is pretty good. I've never been violent or even been in a fight, but I had to give my gun away because I started have crazy irrational thoughts.  I have never thought about the 'S' word (and, actually I can say it...suicide, suicide, suicide.), but honestly, before I got the meds, there was a moment where I thought that if I went to sleep and I never woke up...then that would be cool (that's not suicide, that is sleeping and never waking up (1).). At that time, I had given up hope.

What am I trying to say....The past couple of months (and actually the depression started in December-ish) has been the tuffest period that I have had to go thru in my life. Suffering and torture begin to describe what I have felt and experienced. I've had many crazy and random thoughts go thru my head because of the excessive worry, the anxiety and depression and finally, now, it is starting to get manageable (I'd say I'm around 85% back to normal, whatever normal is.). What am I trying to say...I'm ready to move forward.

I'm ready to leave the irrational-ness behind. I have never had this much hate in my heart (and frustration and pain etc etc etc...) and it kills me to feel this way. History tells me that this is not what I am like (am I wrong?). Even when I left my biological family I did not feel as (negatively) intensely as I have the past couple of months (and ya know how much I hate them). You hurt me. OK.  I would like to move forward now. I can't live like this. No...no longer will I live like this. I want to be happy. I don't want to suffer anymore. No one should suffer like this, not even an enemy.

I'm babbling now. What is it I'm trying to say...Whether I'm ready or not, and I don't care if the Prozac is working or not (it is working, but not as strongly or as fast as I want it to), I want...no, I need to change this. This is no way to live. Ready or not...I'm moving forward.

Cleo, I still think about you, but missing you doesn't compare to the suffering of the past couple of months. I so badly wish that you were still here, esp. now. I really need your company. I'll make it, but I'm just sayin'. 

(1). Really, look at how honest I have been. I let it all hang out and I don't care about what's or why's. I've never lied and I am always honest even if it means I will look bad. On this blog I've been honest about my love(s) and about my drinking and my drug usage (as well as in life). When I do not know something, then I say it. When peeps call me out about some of the information I write about...I admit when I'm wrong. So that suicide thingy. I've never contemplated that.

I believe that there is a difference between planing on taking ones own life and feeling that (because of intense suffering) if I went to sleep and died of natural causes, and then I never woke up-that would be OK. Is it a loophole and for the first time I'm not being honest? There's a first time for everything, but I don't think that that is the case.

I plan on living and I plan on being happy.