Will The Real Jesus Please Stand Up

If I had a nickel for everytime I drank and danced with a drunk 50 something white lady, I'd have $2.35.

While some of us will be participating in Drinko de Mayo, the less fortunate will be pilgrimaging  to a church in Germany to celebrate the 500th anniversary of the Holy Seamless Robe of Jesus. This year will be awesome because all denominations will be invited and they are going for that unity thang, and good for them. But wait...

OK we have the fakey fake Shroud of Turin, assorted Jesus statues crying their tears of rust and condensation, Shadow Jesus I talked about the other day and now Seamless Robe Of Jesus. First of all...

White pointy nosed Jesus is extrapolated from the Shroud. The real Jesus is made from real Israeli skulls.

Supposedly this is the robe that Jesus wore right before his not exaggerated demise. For whatevah reason the guards were going to rip it up into pieces so each could take a piece home (really, they wanted that.wtf) but they realized that it has no seams, they realized that it is woven in one piece. So they rock paper scissors (I made that up) to see who got to keep the stinky robe of a dude that was gonna be executed, even tho they hella executed many peeps back in the day. And now it is in a church in Germany where it is celebrating it's 500th anniversary and of course many many peeps go to see it and the local economy thrives.

Don't fer git Vine Jesus.

Should I go Shroud of Turin on this one. No I've already done that one. Lemmie talk about the real Jesus. Is this the robe of a 6ft Caucasian man with a pointy white dude nose, or is this a robe of a person that chilled in that day and time.

Jesus was Jesus right. So what did the average Jewish peep look like back in the day. First of all, dude wasn't white. He look more like Palestine style (brown). Peeps back in the day were not 6ft, the were more like five foot one-ish (in that Gore Vidal book he's hella short and three hundred pounds. fiction meets life).

Will the real Jesus please stand up. "I'am standing up."

"The result is shown in the left portrait above: a person with abroad peasant's face, dark olive skin, short curly hair and a prominent nose. His height would have been on the order of 5' 1"; he would have weighed about 110 pounds. Alison Galloway, professor of anthropology at the University of California in Santa Cruz , said that: "This [portrait] is probably a lot closer to the truth than the work of many great masters (link)."

So I guess we can just use common sense on this one. Is the robe one that fits a small dude (which is actually my size. hey...I'm Jesus) that is 5.1 and 110 lbs, or is it a huge robe that fits a huge white guy (yes).

The church needs money and there is no better way to raise money then deceiving innocent brainwashed peeps to travel to you country to gaze upon an ancient relic that you savior supposedly wore before he got crucified (like a common criminal back in the day).

I guess one cool thing is...is the robe really without seams. That's kinda cool. I'd check that out.

* Shroud of Turin. An interesting guy made a comment and I linked him up. He poo poo'd my work. You decide.

* What did Jesus really look like from the awesome Religious Tolerance dot Org

* Wiki The Seamless Robe of Jesus

* My go to spot, RNS The holy robe of Jesus