Phoenix...Where Are You?

The Phoenix arises...beeotches. I heart you Marvel comics.

You know how I always say I'm a-gonna save a "piece" for myself because I reveal too much. This is not that post.

Is it the hate that causes the anger or anger before hate? I don't know and I don't care (and I don't care about much in general, lately); I know that I have both. If there is such a thing as the hate/anger gene, then fo sho I have it. But wait you say, Nu Kriss Winter Edition 2012 is also a product of the environment, yes/no. Kind gentle and very goodlooking readers...yes. So once again I have both. I have, or at least I believe that I have, the hate/anger gene and (un)lucky for me, and certainly everyone around me, I have the hate/anger upbringing (thank goodness I discovered dirty schtinky hippie-dom). It has been a while since I addressed it, but I'm still doing The Phoenix Arises From The Ashes, Nu Kriss Summer/Fall 2012, Nu Kriss Winter Edition 2012, or what is commonly called the reinventing of 1's self. 

Team Atheist remember when you, you specifically, made it official and came out and declared to the world of everyone around you that...I (blank, blank) hereby declare that...the possibility that an invisible sky father that will watch you for your whole life, and even after you die-and even even after that for all eternity-that listens to your prayers (requests), and acts upon them-but more times than not, not in the way that you requested, if at all, in fact so statistically inconsistent one would say "mysteriously", that cares about who you have sex with and when you have sex and even how, and him-self-it (goddamit)...loves those Denver Broncos...has a very low probability of occurrence (1). There is no God.

For lack of words, wasn't it like being reborn, whatevah that is. Well, that is what Nu Kriss Winter Edition 2012 is attempting. Months ago when I was always talking about my depression I was really fixated/obsessed with change because I thought 1) it is something to do while I pass time and the meds-if I ever get any (at the time)-kick in, or 2) maybe there is something to this being *reborn* thing, this...stripping away the layers, peeling the onion, cuttin' away, downsizing, reborn, rejuvenated, reinvent, oh don't forget reinvent, the metamorphosis, reincarnation (the last one is a joke) ...whatevah you want to call it, I have been doing that with the hope of relieving my (still present) suffering (2).

So what has changed, remained the same, or needs to change. Well, first of all, and dagnabit this is the whole kitnkaboodle, my running brain stopped (for the most part). People that do not have depression/anxiety probably cannot feel the straight up terror one feels when mentioning the obsessive, always going a million miles a minute, or what I call the running brain. It's fuckin' scary, man. From that goes everything. Your brain runs for hours and hours. From the time you wake up till the time you get to sleep, and that is if you can get to sleep, your brain is frackin' running...the whole time.

Because it wears on you so much, from that comes being frustrated (stop already), then angry (this is bullshit, stop, stop, stop) and then hate and everything (Iiiiiiii hate this, then stop, stop, stop). You get mentally tired and even physically tired. That shit burn calories, man. Lot' o'dem.

The normal adult human brain has something like 50/60 thousand thoughts a day (is that right peeps, I'm pulling that one outta my arse), but when you have an obsessive brain, a brain on overdrive the whole time...shit man, I don't even know how many thoughts a day one can have (does anyone out there know. Troy, Andy, L.A.). Let's just call that number "hella."

So the best change that has happened in this thing I've been calling Nu Kriss Winter Edition 2012, has been the absence of the running brain, the hella running brain and I hella heart that.  Right now it does run on a weekly basis, for a day or whatevah, but like I said earlier...I'll take that (one day outta seven is good stats to me). To me that is the starting point. When my brain runs for hours and hours, sometimes 10 hours a day, it wears on ya (me), then everything is dookie after that (I'm so relieved that it is not like that anymore).

Imagine being hella nervous for ten hours a day every day for 5-6 months. That was where I was at this time last year. During that time you think of crazy shit that, when looked at rationally, it doesn't make sense (3). My fear is that after all of that, let's call it, churning, ones brain chemistry will be changed forever (and 'ones' is me), thus changing the person forever (me) (4). Am I wrong? Fuck...what am I trying to say. It feels good to write so here we go....

There has been many and other changes, and I'll chronicle that later (remind me @SisterRags). There are also things that remain. These are things that were there all along and now it is out in the open (to me) and I'm goin' what the fuck. Kriss, what the fuck...

So is it Nu Kriss Winter Edition 2012 has been a success, a failure, or is it a work in progress. Did I peel enuff of the onion, or should I peel some more...and even keep peeling after that for eternity (even tho 'eternity' doesn't exist). Does this fruit need to stay on the vine, or is it ripe for the pickin' (bear with me). Phoenix where are you, it's Kriss. Do I still have work to do in making this thing (me) I'm calling Nu Kriss Winter Edition 2012, the Kriss that wants so badly to feel happy like I did before, or at least like I remember it was...or...is this it. 

The not all the way happy, yearning for more, believing that there is more, is this me...Kriss...

(1) Yes absolutely that is atheism, after all recal Papa Bear's 7pt. scale (it's 7pts, right). Anyone on either side that tells you that they know fo sho is not honest, is not as smart as mmyyyyyyyyyy Team Atheist (that I personally assembled), or...both. Honest.

(2) I haven't kept score in a while and that is a good thing. Pre-summer and summer and a little into the winter I feel like I was honest and transparent when I talked about my depression. In fact now that I look back, perhaps it was a little bit raw, or something. So anyways...the score is really good right now. I would take right now, whatever day it is, over...sayyyyy, this time last year. Toooottaaallllyyyy different feeling, totally different brain and brain chemistry (thanks Prozac), totally different thought process. And yet...I beli8eve that I'm only 85% back. 

I'm gonna be reborn as a hot babe emerging from water-n-shit.

I believe that I can feel better, and this is my fear, that Nu Kriss 2012 is, well...this. I soooo recall pre this episode of depression that the way I felt everyday was better than everyday now (which, still I tell ya, is better than months ago). So I'm still actively trying Nu Kriss 2012, but I';ve also admitted that this might be it. We'll see...and I'll write about it more next time.

Lates

(3) Obsessing on stupid shit is irrational and to try and make sense of it is also stupidhead. It is not the event that caused the obsessing, it's the incorrect brain chemistry.

(4) My super fear is that this is it. Fuck