Wish Me Luck And Fuck You Winter Darkness

This is the worst year of my adult life. To say that I'm confused is the definition of understatement. It has been months since I have been happy and my fear (one of many) is that I will never be happy again. My suck arse depression has defeated me. I have nothing left: no more fight, no more will. The sight of a pretty girl does nothing for me. The sound of music does nothing for me. Nothing does anything for me.

My only emotions are negative, anger, hate, confusion and I don't know why. I can go down the list, I have a good diet, I exercise, my family of friends love me, my brother and sister love me, and rationally everything is OK-and yet, that cloud hovers over my head and I can't get rid of it.

Nothing makes sense and fo sho, I do not make sense. Why am I doing this (if I knew, then I would solve it and make it right, right?). The metaphorical rope that one hangs onto, seemingly, is gone. There has not been any rope for months and months. I recall the beginning of summer and my good friend and I went to a sick arse three day hippie concert. The sun was out, the ladies were pretty (and 1,000's upon 1,000's of them), that weekend had all the makings of everything that I like, everything that I love, but...If I could have walked home, I would have. What is it that makes someone like me, a musician, a music lover, always down for the party, a people person, an artist, hate, and I mean absolutely hate, everything that one has grown to love....brain chemistry.

I don't know what to do. I have crazy ideas and I know that they are crazy, but it looks like I'm heading that way. I want to be happy. I do not want to have crazy violent thoughts and I do not want to hurt anyone, including myself. A couple of months ago, before I had Prozac, I prayed. I prayed to God.

I asked, "please, please God, stop my suffering. I have not done anything wrong. I have never hurt anyone. I have always been honest. I have always helped people. Why is this happening to me." Team Atheist, as we all know, prayer doesn't work. Fo sho the serotonin levels in my depressed brain are much better (I no longer have excessive worry) but it is still there-the cloud, the hate, the aggressiveness (and I want it to go away so badly. I can't be anymore honest than that.).

My shit project, Nu Kriss summer/winter 2011, is a total failure. I did emerge from the metaphorical ashes (the Phoenix arises from the ashes), but I do not like what I see. I'm an asshole. I'm aggressive. I fear that I will hurt someone, including myself. What fuckin' happened. I'm supposed to be a hippie. A fuckin' hippie.

I'm thinking a new start is in order, but when I go thru the details...it doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense right now (and that doesn't mean I won't do it). Like I said, I'm confused right now and I have been confused for a while now. I don't know what to do.

What will I do. Fo sho, I will not pray again. Really, what kinda suffering does an atheist like me have to go thru to fuckin' pray (a lot). I won't do that again. I'm gonna face this. I'm gonna get right. It's just in the mean time...I'm worried about my anger...I'm worried that I will turn into my dad and will show my power in a way that I should not. I have always believed that my skills should be used for good, or at the very least NOT for bad. But I'm outta control. Outta control.

What is it I'm trying to say right now. Fuck...I don't even know. I'm just trying to be honest. I might not like what I have become in the past 5-6 months, but I do know it is wrong to hurt people (including myself). I know that I need to get help and I do know in my heart of hearts, that the probability that there is a God, that anything supernatural exists, is verrrrrryyyyyyyy low. What am I trying to say....

Wish me luck.